It was February 2022 and I pressed submit. This was the first year that I decided to lead the 40 Days for Life campaign, it was something I had been considering over the past few years. I had been joining campaigns in two other locations. Finally, the Holy Spirit had empowered me to courageously bring the 40 Days for Life to the streets of the local city to witness as a voice for the voiceless. 

It is not common practice to stand with signs in the streets praying, singing and witnessing to the public for the unborn baby. Abortion is that ‘taboo’ subject that nobody wants to talk about. Furthermore, I can assure you that my family certainly did not agree with what I proposed to do. So, what truly inspired me?

Well, it began during the COVID lockdown. My conversion. It was one of the many blessings that came out of the suffering at that time. Praise God! Twenty-one years after the traumatic events, my conversion truly took root in my soul. I am aware of my failure. I thank God each day that He shone His light into my soul and the graces that He has given me that have spared me from a lax or dulled conscience.

I was christened at six months old as it was “the done thing” in those days, and my parents never took me to church. My dad was the breadwinner and worked very long hours, my mum stayed at home to look after me and my younger sister. We both suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of our mother. 

At the age of 10, I developed great interest in the Bible and different Christian denominations. My mum would take me to town and leave me in the library while she did her shopping. I always used to gravitate towards the religious books, and it was sat in the library that I decided that Catholicism was the true faith. I was definitely drawn because of their great devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I think even from a very young age my relationship with my mum had always been so volatile, so it was comforting knowing that I always had a mother that would love me unconditionally. By the age of 13, I had been received into the Catholic Church and was attending the local Catholic secondary school. 

At school, I was a good pupil and consistently achieved good grades and was very involved with dance and gymnastic clubs. From the age of fourteen, I wanted to give my life to God and enter religious life and become a nun. But that all changed at the age of sixteen. It was the summer of 1999 and I had just finished my GCSE examinations. For as long as I can remember, my mum and dad's marriage had been on rocky ground, and it finally came to an end. It was a very troubling time for me. I ended up living with my mum, but our relationship was strained. In August 1999, I went with a group of friends to collect my GCSE results. I did well and achieved higher than C grade in all subjects. I decided to stay on in sixth form to study theology, math and further math. 

Me and my friends decided to celebrate our results and I was invited to a friend’s party. About halfway through the night my friends told me there was another house party and so we all decided to go there. It was in this unfamiliar house that I was raped. At the time, I didn't report it to the police, and I only told one friend. I was too scared. 

After the rape, I isolated myself. I cut ties with all my friends, I stopped attending dance and gymnastic clubs. I started in sixth form, but things were not going well. I missed two periods, but I ignored these first signs. By the third month, I had a strong inclination that I was pregnant, but I had not done a pregnancy test. I started feeling sick in the mornings and was finding it extremely difficult in sixth form. 

I made an appointment at Connexions (sexual health clinic), and they confirmed that I was pregnant. In that moment fear, panic and anxiety just took over me. I said I wanted an abortion. Deep down I did not agree with abortion. During Y10 of secondary school, the SPUC had been into do an educational talk to students. I had purchased a ‘Tiny Feet’ pin badge which I still have today, and I had a school photo of me wearing it. The lady at Connexions, didn’t offer any other alternatives or support.  I don't remember being asked about the father. I had not reported the rape because I was too fearful. This would have been the opportunity. But I wasn't thinking straight. 

So, at just turned seventeen I chose to have an abortion. The lady at Connexions told me that I would have two appointments, the first one to take the first tablet. She explained I would go away and may experience period cramps and light bleeding. Three days later, for the second tablet I would have to go into the hospital. I was taken to a maternity ward and put in a side room. The next hours were a blur. This burden was too much for me to bear. This was the final straw, I lost all my faith in God and questioned why God would allow all this to happen. 

By Christmas 1999, I had dropped out of sixth form. Not long after that my mum kicked me out of the family home, telling me that she did not recognise me as her daughter anymore and that my behavior and attitude had become so challenging, I needed to sort my life out. I ended up sleeping on a friend's sofa for a while, until I got a flat. This was the start of my downward spiral and my life without God.

My abortion story, like most abortion stories, does not start on the day I found out I was pregnant. There were situations that had happened in my life which set me up to make really bad choices. I have spent many years crying for the little girl that got trapped inside me after he destroyed my innocence. My abortion did not resolve any of the fears that I had about being pregnant. In reality, I was still a mother, and my problems became a whole lot worse. There was never any mention of the emotional impact.

For the next twenty-one years I lived in denial. I was emotionally numb and felt empty inside. I was unable to form meaningful relationships, and those relationships I did have were tainted by major trust issues. I turned to men in hope that something would heal my wound. I desperately desired another baby and would fill shopping baskets full of baby clothes and then leave them at the shop door. I would gaze inside other people's prams and wonder what she would look like. It was difficult for me to maintain relationships. This is evident still today; my marriage ended in divorce, and I have very few friends. I struggled with a short temper, anger issues and used to self-harm. I tried to blot out the abortion and rape by using drugs and alcohol as an anesthetic. I had a fear of going into an unfamiliar toilet because I thought something similar may happen again. Whilst this happened many years ago, these thoughts still haunt me now and I must wait for another female to go into the public toilets before I can go in, so I know there is someone I can shout to if I need help. Although I feel safe in my own house, I have OCD in which I must repeatedly check that have locked the doors and windows. I had recurring nightmares, low self-esteem, and I attempted suicide. All this time, I didn't acknowledge that these destructive patterns in my life were related to my abortion. I now realise that these were my coping strategies to try and mask and bury the hurt I was feeling after the rape and abortion.

I carried this unspoken burden for twenty-one years. Lockdown was my ‘realisation’ that the aftermath of my upbringing, rape and abortion I suffered all those years ago had been spilling over into every part of my life. The intrusive thoughts started to come back, the flashbacks, the nightmares, and not being able to sleep. One day I sat down to put on the TV [I never watch TV] in the hope that I could block out these intrusive thoughts. The program that was on was Panorama which was looking at the rape crisis in England. What hit me even more was that it was recorded where I grew up. At this time, I knew that Divine Intervention was calling me to act. So I invited God back in to my life. 

I recently found out I'm going to be a grandmother. My 18-year-old daughter is pregnant and while the circumstances are not ideal, I fully support her in her decision to continue with her pregnancy. My mother, the great grandmother of this precious little girl, has put enmity between herself and the family because she believes her granddaughter is ruining her life and that abortion would be the best option.

Abortion did not solve the dilemma that I did not want to be a mum. As with every case, with every pregnant woman, whether pregnancy ends in the sorrow of miscarriage or the tragedy of abortion, we will always be mothers. This realisation was key to my healing. I was able to recognise that the abortion being legal, and my decision caused catastrophic results in my life. Rachel's Vineyard helped me grieve the child I aborted. Now I know that I would never again choose death as a solution to life's problems. This is why I decided to lead the 40 Days for Life campaign as I want other people to know that there are other choices that are truly in favour of women.