We were inspired to join 40 Days For Life because of our son, Remy. Following his fight for life both in and outside of the womb, we were convicted to be a voice for children who are considered ‘non-viable’ by medical and scientific communities. At 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant, we discovered something awful about Australian laws. Abortion is legal up until birth, and we know this because we were offered one.

We were married in our late twenties in December 2021. With hope in our hearts, we had loved every minute of our new lives together, having only met on New Years of that year. Though we lived in the same large city of Sydney our whole lives, it was only at this appointed time that we met. It felt like God had led us on a long roundabout journey to each other! Now, however, we were ready to honour Him with our lives and to start a family. It was not long after our wedding day that we learned the blessed news that we were pregnant with our first child. Everything with the pregnancy was looking wonderful. However, our 20 week scan revealed that things seemed a little unusual. Our baby was quite small. As we now lived in a regional town, we were sent to a larger hospital about three hours away to get a specialist scan to confirm the findings. We took the day off work and travelled down to the hospital thinking that we were simply receiving a routine scan that would provide us with more information. Instead, we were in for the shock of our lives.

We were told we were about to meet our child 16 weeks ahead of schedule, with a high chance of becoming bereaved parents. It was confirmed that bub, whose gender we did not know until his birth, had a severe case of early onset growth restriction. This meant that he had not passed the size of a baby at 18 weeks gestation even though he was 24 weeks and 4 days old. He was estimated to be under 400 grams. There was a blood restriction issue with the placenta and he was receiving little nutrients. We were told that we may need to be admitted that very day as the baby was in a precarious position between life and death.

We had packed no clothes or belongings and were hours away from our home. We were told that if we did birth him that there was a 10 - 30 percent survival rate. We were told that even if he did survive, there was a high likelihood that he would have severe disabilities. To even allow him to be born alive it would have to be via a classical C section (vertical incision on the uterus). This would come with the risk of having complications in future pregnancies, or even infertility. We were told that, since we were young and first time parents, the best thing to do was to interrupt the pregnancy and to try again. We had to clarify, “Are you referring to termination?” Correct.

In a nutshell we were told to avoid scarring, to preserve fertility and to end the suffering that we should let this pregnancy go and have better luck in a future pregnancy. Never before had termination seemed like a rational option. Mum’s immediate response was clear: She told the doctor that this was her current pregnancy. We did not know whether we would fall pregnant again, It is not a wheel of fortune. This is the child we have been given.

Shattered, we were given some time to process this information. Barely being able to stand, we stumbled to the nearby hospital chapel. Together we cried and lamented this devastating news. The worst part was that there was no clear way forward.

Providentially, another option was presented to us by the doctors: to wait another week before being admitted to hospital in preparation for an early birth. Any extra time the baby could get in the womb was ideal, but they let us know that this was risky. The child could die at any time. We went home with a hole in our hearts and prayed with fear and trembling that he would survive until the following week.

A week later we returned to the hospital, with a packed bag, and waited. Once admitted, the medical team monitored our child daily for any signs of demise. This would be the moment signalling the need for an emergency birth. The hospital had a policy that if the child measured under 400 grams they would not perform the surgery as he would not be considered ‘viable.’ By 25 weeks and 5 days, he measured 430 grams according to the ultrasound and gave signs that he could no longer stay in the womb. We learned here that our little child was wired for survival. He wanted to live. While his blood flow was restricted, he had begun to adapt. His body favoured sending blood cells to his brain and heart at the expense of his other organs. This is a biological phenomenon the body takes to preserve life under immense adversity. This only strengthened our understanding that we must fight for this life who was already fighting for his own.

The uncertainty preceding his birth was palpable in the operating theatre as both we and the hospital staff prepared for his delivery. Yet, on the 12th July, 2022 he was born at 11.11pm. Remy Benedict Vergano. Weighing in at 390 grams. It was glorious. Our son lived! He was alive!

His life from that point on was incredibly painful and challenging. Many times we had come so close to losing him. But we loved him every moment of his life. For 53 days he lived and though we could hardly touch him, we poured out all the love we could on him. We wanted him to know that he was loved and that he was worth all of this effort. As Catholics, this demonstration of love started with the choice to have him baptised. It was very important for us that we could help him to receive the greatest gift of all from God: his eternal salvation.

Furthermore, we wanted to include our wider community in his life. So we made the decision from his first day of life to livestream a daily prayer with Remy. We would pray an evening rosary and night prayer every night. We had many people join this live stream. This started with only family and friends but the news of Remy started to reach international communities. People from all over the world heard about Remy and would join us to pray with and for him. We were truly blown away by the overwhelming community support once we had decided to let others in. He captured many hearts, including many medical staff who cared for him. Though he was given only a week to live, his tenacious personality shone through his smallness; he put up a very good fight. His life led to many conversions including some of our close family members. His life brought many people to prayer and to a deeper connection with God.

Saving his life unfortunately still ended in death. It was truly heartbreaking. Having to accept the death of your child, your only and eldest, with no clear prospects of any future children was a dark shadow over us. Through it all, however, we were filled with supernatural joy. The Lord had allowed us to witness life in a way that allowed such an intimate connection with Him; to learn the pain of the cross. To not put an end to the suffering, but rather, to accept it and to let it transform us.

What we have learned from the life of our dear Remy is this: you don’t have to do anything to be loved. You might need support with feeding, breathing and pretty much any kind of support you can think of - but you are still human and you are still loved.

We are not defined by our abilities. We are not defined by how many people love us. We are infinitely valuable and can change lives by our mere existence. He converted people to faith by his life alone.

So, we support 40 Days For Life because we know that there are women and men who, like us, are left alone and confused in intense medical situations. People who are told that the least amount of suffering will come from prematurely ending a child’s life. But, in reality, there is no way to remove the suffering of losing a child.

What there is in choosing life, is something more precious. When you choose to embrace the suffering, you might get the chance to witness something truly magical. A short and noble life. A life that ended after a victorious struggle. A life that was given a chance. A life that had a name. A life that had a memory.

From here, we heal.

We still carry pain in our hearts to this day. But there is a certain sweetness to it. We can go and visit our son at the local cemetery. We can invite friends and family to be with us in that space, with a clear symbol of his existence. Through God’s great mercy and generosity… we now have our second born. Felicity Clare Vergano. Only 10 weeks old and she is a happy and healthy baby.

While she will never replace our son, her healthy life is in some ways only possible because of our choices with Remy. By choosing to birth him, we had the ability for doctors to investigate our situation. We were given medical support for our second pregnancy that helped to ensure what happened with Remy would most likely not repeat.

We could have terminated Remy. But this might have meant several more pregnancy-related health complications before any further medical intervention. The problem with statistics and with medical possibilities is that they cannot truly predict the future.

By choosing life we have the greatest blessings of all: two children. One in heaven and one on earth. We could not have asked God for more.

Choose life. You won’t regret it.

You can listen to the podcast Delving with Des about Brad and Steph Vergano